there is a scene at the end of the 1993 film, starring michael j. fox, “life with mikey” that thrives in this energetic lane that i have longed for and lived in for my life. the scene includes a young girl named kimberly, who sings a striking rendition of “the lullaby of broadway”. in my specific collective of sonic and visual references, this one exists. i’ve never sat and seen the film, nor have i had the desire to do so. it’s just that one scene, at the very end that always pulled me in. oddly enough, the last few days i spent at my new york apartment, my roommate drew martin mentioned that scene. and immediately we talked about it, and just that moment. that talent defining breakthrough of a moment, where a skill is realized, and you break away from private study or meticulous concentration and escape into the judgement and acceptance of others who will share in your talent. it’s those moments, whether subtle or overbearing that my life is all about.
it’s about timing and understanding of development. it’s a crash course of loss and gain, contrasted with public desires in a private space of artistry. that’s what new york has been for me. a distant dream of industry, social realm and quite darkness with loud opportunities that i longed for. and so i left, leaving my home of california to escape into the greater unknown. equipped with love and protected in that as well, 2014 was the winter of blizzards in new york city. and i didn’t mind. i would walk 5th avenue, or go for coldstone near times square. i defined new york city within my own terms, often of isolation for greater purified sense of inspiration. i was alone. losing love in the space, losing jobs in that city, lost looking for where to get on, where to get off; where to eat. crying in the middle of the snow, trying to keep my hands warm in single digit temperatures and chills. it wasn’t easy. when it was hard, it was the most difficult, but when it was easy, it was like water. the tug and pull of the fluidity and difficulty showed me many things of others, and most intimately things of myself. swinging back and forth were the moments of my own proven strength with moments of necessary surrender.
i left my apartment sobbing like someone had died, and with the loss of my two grandparents in october and november, the sense of loss was overwhelming. i cried the entire drive to terminal 2 at JFK, from my apartment at 700 W 178th street in Upper Manhattan. thinking of the love i was leaving in my space, the dreams that came true and those that came crashing down. i realize that in my life, i need to develop a greater ability to let go, and be stronger in faith than i have been in the past. not to cling to what i define as stable, or comfortable or easy, but to manage in a way that leans on strength in faith. guidance by angels, brought me to the city of angels, where i was met with new opportunities which will open new ways for life and love. the cross street of my apartment in new york city was broadway. and with the assemblence of attention to detail, following my desire to find the signs with proper interpretation from where they’ve come from god; this post titled itself.
i waited for the train on the pier of san clemente, awaiting to ride into los angeles, and thought of this new life. not entirely new, because i am a native of california, but new as a chapter of my life. to be where i am is a blessing, to have been able to lead as i have, to be guided as i have been- there is a god that looks down with an abundance of blessings and a greater plan for me than i can imagine. as things unfold, i look back at the moments of love and hold to the lessons, while forgetting the struggles to create my own pathway of things i’ve survived and moved past. the enslavement of minds that created gaps of bridges that i chose to burn to save my own sanity and influence. the purity of my white room that always helped me to maintain the beauty of the darkness under the right light. and when i say the right light, i mean the light from within- boundless and without a color for categorization.
within range of family, shining under the sun, the lullaby that i created at the cross street of broadway is a story that only i, and maybe one other know. privately guarded, my new york story is a love story. it’s a story of survival, triumph and loss- like all the great stories which lay the foundation for other stories to gather. representing aesthetics and culture along the way, i’ve loved and lived in new york city. building character through each set back, and steadily climbing while fighting to be greater, not just for myself, but for others. and that is the only way to live. that is the only way to love. always remembering the details for the grand scheme of designs by god. we’ll see what the sun brings this time around, and while new york is never too far away, the pits and peaks of the city have contributed to the power of my own ability in ways no one can tell better than me, in my own words, as i have in this space for the past nine years.
for the moments of greatness that i’ve lived through
in new york city, and the love that i felt along the way